But, I've been dealing with people's reactions lately and reacting to their reactions so maybe a post getting it all out would help.
Early this year, Doug had a hand with tremors in one finger that would come and go and also a sense of his arms feeling frozen. It wasn't all the time but enough to frighten him. Then in the early summer, he began to get depressed with led to a major period of severe depression. I was to the point where it was bigger than me and I didn't know what to do and he wouldn't get help.
I stayed up one night almost all night long just praying. It was basically "I don't know what to do" over and over for hours. That same weekend, Doug went to church for an interview with one of our kids and our bishop called him in and told him he felt prompted that something was wrong and Doug finally admitted to depression. I considered it a direct and clear answer to my fervent prayers days before.
I got him to all the appts we needed to go to for getting out of that deep dark hole. Those were really hard appointments to do with vulnerable questions with answers that seemed shameful. I found myself getting really protective of him, more assertive with doctors with a no-nonsense attitude, a list of questions or symptoms to check on and details about the necessary medicines. This was my first experience caring for someone with severe depression. It's scary, and stressful, and very real.
That was just the beginning of the bigger problem. He had begun to have tremors more regularly as we tackled the depression. But as more motor issues emerged, I again felt like I didn't know what to do next.
I had pretty much stopped all my graduate work, social engagements and anything in life that wasn't essential to take care of him. At the same time, I was having pain in my right back and got tested for colon cancer, kidney stones, and other infections. They have since found kidney stones in my left kidney but no answer for the pain in my right side.
Meanwhile, Doug then had tremors in both legs, one hand mostly, involuntary muscle spasms, lots of forgetful moments, and a very hard time walking. The one blessing I can make of this trial so far is that he works from home and it so far hasn't interrupted his job (that I can tell.)
There have been multiple doctors, specialists, and now appts with sub specialists to see what neuro-logical/muscular issue is happening that triggered the depression and is now causing the motor issues. He now has a positive attitude and lots of Texas grit, or stubbornness to get through the tough days. He actually is handling it much better than I am because I am the one dealing with people's reactions, concerns, questions and all of the nitty gritty details of doctors, insurance and running the household. When people haven't seen him for a while, they come to me and want an update and depending on my emotions that day, it's very hard to no react to their reaction.
I've cried a ton, and am thankful for the shoulders of friends who let me cry till I couldn't anymore. There have been a few complete meltdowns from me to a friend and I appreciate it so much.
We are adjusting to the idea that this is life now and trying to notice the blessings through the storm.
Waiting for one of his coordination tests. He gets nervous which makes the symptoms emerge more.
Telling his mom...
"The mist of darkness will cover you at times so much that you will not be able to see your way even a short distance ahead. You will not be able to see clearly. But you can feel your way. With the gift of the Holy Ghost, you can feel your way ahead through life. Grasp the iron rod, and do not let go. Through the power of the Holy Ghost, you can feel your way through life"-President Packer
If you would like more information about depression, I liked this article...
http://www.mormonchannel.org/
